my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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