when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
