I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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