too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
