you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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