I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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