I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
