well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
