Already got asked if we're dating
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
