nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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