Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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