I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
