There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
