cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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