All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
