our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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