funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Alive.
So much puke
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
