This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
