Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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