I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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