i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
