Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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