So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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