ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
