Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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