I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
soo... how was my night?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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