I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
