I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
