Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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