I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
