At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
