Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
