Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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