When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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