I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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