8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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