The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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