Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you're hired as official boob wrangler
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
