P.S. I can't hear my feet
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
