I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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