I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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