I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
