dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
