I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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