My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
