nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
