wrigley field is MILF paradise
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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