With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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