Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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