Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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