my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
