he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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