dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
