She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
