He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
