my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
