We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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