I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Randomize
