I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
