I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
