We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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